Yeah, the title pretty much sums it up.

Once again, I got myself caught up in a hopeless little fantasy-romance that never actually existed, and now I feel like crap because he's got a girlfriend. Lame, I know.

This isn't the first time either. I always seem to crush on guys that have no interest in me, and then get all twisted into knots when the realization finally hits that I'm deluding myself. But this time I thought I was being careful. I thought about the possibility that nothing would happen, and decided that I would be happy being friends too, because he's a really nice guy. I told myself that if he did get a girlfriend before I could say anything, then I wouldn't get torn up, because, well, I don't own him. It's not my place to get jealous or hateful just because I had a crush on him.

Unfortunately, I tend to lie to myself.

When I first met him, he was single. I thought I had a shot, albeit a very small one. In between when I met him and now, he finds a girlfriend. How rotten can my luck be? I'm sure she's really nice and cute, and from I've seen I think I'd actually like her, but seriously. Seriously. Love just kicked me in the ass, for the hundredth time.

Every single time. Every single bloody time.
There has been only one success in my love-life, ever, and it's over now. I must have had over twenty serious crushes over the course of my life, and somehow they all manage to get squashed in some brutally hopeless way. It's not fair. Of course, life isn't fair, but it's really not fair. I'm a damn nice person. I do whatever I can for whoever asks, I defend socially inept people and become friends with them, my friends all rely on me. I almost never think selfishly, everything I can is given to help others. So why do I keep getting the short end of the stick?! Nothing ever comes back to me! Yes, I have a good life. Maybe even a fantastic one. But with all the good I do for other people, is it so wrong to want someone to see that and love me because of it?! Where's all this good karma I've been accumulating???

But, I'm still going to talk to him, still going to be friends. I'll not be one of those stalker chicks who assumes they own a guy just because they like him. I just feel very... empty. There's some tears lurking in the back of my eyes, but I detached myself so far from my hopes that I can't summon up any real emotion towards this. No anger, despair, annoyance, nothing. Just that horrible consuming emptiness that usually heralds one of my depression episodes.

I wish I could cry. It would make letting go so much easier. But I've gone so long training myself to not let emotions interfere unreasonably, that I can't break down. It's not something I can do spontaneously anymore. I suppose I'll lurk in this pit for a while, feeling sorry for myself until the next cute guy comes along. Then I'll get all hopeful again, wonder if he likes me, if we have a chance, it he's even interested.

That's the thing that really gets me, though.

There seems to be only two stages in my love life. Crushing and crushed. No happy medium of "Eh, I'm single, but it's ok." Just "I really really hope he likes me back!" and "Fuck, I've gone and made an idiot of myself again.."
It really sucks. Why can't I just be happy with myself? More importantly, why can't I find a guy who likes me back?? Are my standards too high, am I just too quiet about it? Do I look in the wrong places? Am I just that batshit insane, that no guy can handle me?

Whatever the reason, I'm rather unhappy with myself for playing the fool.

Again.